The Anti-Spam MovementBy: Josh
Let's review, in this, our ritualistic pre-sermon rant, shall we? It breaks down pretty simply like this; I suck, all of you suck, the government sucks, The Who suck, religions suck, God sucks, Jesus got sucked, life sucks, love sucks, people suck, cancer sucks, prohibition sucks, rednecks suck, pre-teens suck, teenagers suck, parents suck, cranky old men suck. Mr. T and the Pope... they kick universal ass. And don't think I give a shit how low-brow or pedestrian you think that sounds, because I don't need any trumped-up colloquialisms to explain that I think the world is a multiplying cesspool of hate and stupidity that, I personally hope will collapse in on itself within my lifetime, so I can at least get one pleasure out of life by knowing that when I went, everyone else went down with me.
I found something new to hate today though, just imagine how happy it made me. And I bet you can't wait to know what it is. Well, wait no longer fellow fuck-ups. It is SPAM. I was a virgin to this damning sin until very recently, I don't even know what SPAM stands for. I don't even care what it stands for, SPAM = SHIT. For anyone who is as ignorant to the Internet as I am, which probably isn't too likely, SPAM is the junk mail that magically appears in the inbox of your e-mail when you go there to see if the free porn you signed up for has arrived yet.
SPAM comes to you because every time you give out your e-mail address to someone online, those bastards are just waiting to pay whomever you told it to, to give it to them, so they can send you shit that you don't need, will never use, and/or have abso-FUCKIN'-LUTELY NO INTEREST IN! Anyone who's come across SPAM in his or her time will know what I'm on about. I HATE SPAM! And I've only ever gotten it once. They actually pay people to send this shit around to the unsuspecting surfers. It's a god-damned chain letter conspiracy to dull our intellects to the point where we'll all even less aware of what their trying to brainwash us into on a daily basis. Since I had no idea what SPAM was when I got it, I e-mailed the bastard back. A few people told me this was very strange, but hey I don't send people junk mail, why should I get it? The SPAM had something to do with investing an initial 25 American dollars which would then multiply and make you rich. Well, FUCK THAT, there's no way that anyone would actually fall for that shit. The following is a dramatic representation of what occurred proceeding that initial SPAM.
Subject: fuck off
Date: Fri, 02 Feb. 2001 12:27:18 - 0500
Leave me alone, I'm not even American
Succinct, to the point, true. I'm not an American, plus I don't have any money, but this asshole wasn't gonna let some insolent future-investor tell him off. Oh no.
Subject: Re: fuck off
Date: Fri, 02 Feb. 2001 17:30:08 - 0500
I'm not American too...
So, go fuck your grandmother
This dumb fuck was obviously the person I needed to make me a rich man. I like the dramatic pause-inducing three dots before he told me to go fuck my grandmother, very nice, very nice. But of course, no one gets away with that as far as I'm concerned.
Subject: FUCK OFF ! ! !
Date: Fri, 02 Feb. 2001 17:33:02 - 0500
My grandmother is dead you insensitive fucking prick. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Why the hell are you e-mailing me?
Also true; my grandmother passed away when I was quite young, and I just didn't like his tone. I may not win any literary awards with this one, but I like to think I was doing better than that SPAM asshole, who, incidentally e-mailed me back, AGAIN.
Subject: Re: FUCK OFF ! ! !
Date: Fri, 02 Feb. 2001 19:45:57 -0500
I send you this email because I try a new way to make money, and
But, If you don't care about your future, erase it and go elsewhere..
I receive money now, and...
I did nothing to alter that, this is how I got it, and he is actually this stupid. I guess they don't understand what LEAVE ME ALONE means in dumb fuck land. Those mysterious 3-dot messages have returned, with a whole shit-load of bad grammar; "I try new way to make money, and it's works!" Well, at least he remembered to add the exclamation point, and comma. And by this point I was fuming at the sheer gall, and idiocy of this man. "I receive money now, and...ok." ? ? ? ? God damnit!
Subject: Re: FUCK OFF ! ! !
Date: Fri, 02 Feb. 2001 22:46:25 -0500
FUCK OFF YOU DUMB FUCKING DIPSHIT. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU E-MAILING ME? DON'T YOU GET IT, YOU BRAIN-DEAD PRIMATE. I HATE YOU. L-E-A-V-E M-E A-L-O-N-E Y-O-U S-H-I-T H-E-A-D !
Okay, so I was running out of insults. Bah, The Hulk needs no excuses.
Subject: Get Drunk
Date: Sat, 03 Feb. 2001 03:16:30 -0500
You start to insult me
If you don't like my email, just delete it...
Stupid english bastard...
Mange donc un osti d'char de marde, mon tabarnak de tete carrée!!
Tu peux ben allez chier sur la tombe de tes ancètres...
Well, this is a rare treat, a rare treat indeed. I got him so upset that he actually slipped into dumb fuck to apologize for being such an asshole. Get Drunk? This, my humble readers, is the straw that broke the camel's back: no inbred SPAM peddling dickless piece of shit insults my grandmother, let alone insults her twice and tells me to get drunk.
Subject: Re: Get Drunk
Date: Sat, 03 Feb. 2001 03:19:45 -0500
all right you dumb fuck. this is the last time. do you like being bothered by Jehovah's witnesses? statscan people? solicitors? GIRL GUIDES? Me either, and I don't like to be bothered by you. If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna start signing up for shit with your e-mail address, and then will see who likes this crap.
This man wants to make me rich?
He eats babies for Christ sake.