The Naughty Bits Crusade (Warning: contains cack)By: Josh
The introduction: (I'll try to make this quick, Duran Duran's VH1: Behind the music special is coming on. Also, please bare with me, I have a tendacy not to stay on-topic, but I'm sure every word is pertinent to the point that I'm sure I have buried in this mess somewhere)
A spherical sack of fatty tissue. Utilitarian...l...y useful for the breast milk provided to nurture and feed a child. Also a much ballyhooed staple of the entertainment and the marketing world. Most women have two.
The All-American Boob:
Modern day man, in essence a hairless monkey. Vast obsessions include: Beer, cars that drive around large circles faster than their own cars could, their naughty bits, Football, and The Breast.
The Cam whore:
An Advanced hy-breed of a teen prostitute, a burlesque peep show, and "Dear Diary: today I got naked again. Daddy bought me another car, I'm so happy I have to take my top off. Does that make me a whore? Look! LOOK! Here's my ASS!"
And as we all know the greatest marketing goldmine ever stumbled upon that connects these three things, is The Internet. The Cam Whore presents the Breast over the internet, the All-American Boob gives her, and more importanly her internet diary, attention. Maybe even buys her that video of "Bring it on" or "She's all that" from her Amazon wishlist. As expected this happens more often than a 40-minute dance sequence in a Jennifer Lopez music video.
It's a sad life we all lead my friends. I mean we're talking Sylvester Stallone risking life and limb to slide out on a wire suspended thousands of feet in the air in Cliffhanger, JUST to get to the breast. He drops the breast and is scarred for life. And the only way he can get better is when yet another breast forgives him. I'd wager a man would watch the Care Bears marathon if he thought there might be one of those Canadian "A part of our heritage" commercials on about the guy who invented the breast imaplant. And I'm positive that the entire box-office gross and subsequent sequel to Scary Movie can be entirely attributed to Shannon Elizabeth's tube top.
"Momma always said 'making movies in hollywood is like a box of suck: you never know what youre gonna have to suck to make movies in Hollywood'....tee hee, I'm naked"
A site, www.k3lly.com. Your average site, nothing out of the ordinary. But I've learned in that this day and age, we have to accept things are never what they appear to be. Perfect example: one nice, normal-looking fellow I met recently who, due to cultural and religious restrictions, wasn't allowed to use toilet paper. Now, I never would have known there was anything so absurdly odd about this chap if I hadn't asked him why he kept touching me with his shit-covered hand. There something inherently wrong about everything people, something just under the surface. It's what I call the child-actor syndrome.
Off-Topic rant - The Child-Actor Syndrome:
In movies it makes perfect sense for there to be kids, walking around, doing whatever it is that kids do. There's kids in real life, if they wanna be all cute and act like the big people do, what's to stop them? All is fine and normal in these movies, nothing out of the ordinary, until one of these bastards opens their mouth and KILLS ANY SLIGHT REALISM THE MOVIE MAY HAVE HAD FOR ME. Aside from having insomnia, and no cable, thereby being forced to watch re-runs of the JR's fat, dead ass on Dallas, there is NOTHING more annoying than watching a movie only to be interupted by some 10 year old little shit who can't string together a sentence with any emotion or inflection because he's too busy trying to remember that he SHOULD BE crying to do fuck all. That little punter who played Darth Vader ruined The Phantom Menace for me, I swear; I could've sat through all that bad plot and horrid dialouge, not to mention utter lack of character development, if that freak had've changed his expression just ONCE!
"I...I am.....bursting.....with............joy....is Mr. Lucas crying again?"
Child actors are the shit-hands of good movies. My solution to this: midgets. Everyone loves a midget, they're cute, they're like the rest of us but....but tiny, oh so tiny. Besides their tiny quality, a midget over 10 at least has the time to learn how to move his eyebrows. So until that Haley Joel Dead-People kid and the lifeless rock who played Darth vader either get acting lessons or breats implants, I ain't watching their damn movies.
Which brings me back to www.k3lly.com, what I thought was your normal, everyday website. That is, until I came across the naughty bits. And I mean the male naughty bits here, galleries of them. 4 galleries of men's naughty bits! Now the average male/cam whore slave, being obsessed with The Breast and their own naughty bits, are ideally built to participate in one or all of three things: Yahho fanclubs, amazon wishlists, and freely distributing their naughty bits. The Breast asks for a picture of their proudest posession not on four wheels, or as she says "send me your cack", frankly 4 galleries is not at all suprising. What is suprising is that anyone would condone, and yes even encourage this behavior. As a male we know I'm genetically engineered to be obsessed with The Breast, but I couldn't hoenstly say that the Penis is, at any level, more visually appealing than, say, looking into a backed-up toilet at an all-curry-and-beans restaurant after the $1.99 all-you-can-eat buffet lets out. Am I crazy in this? Is it just a male thing? Did this webmistress actually get excited every time one of these showed up in her e-mail? I tried telling myself that maybe she was getting revenge on the male population of the internet for objectifying, and(in my opinion) humilaiting the whole lot of the cam whore commuinity. Was she exploiting the men who'd fallen helplessly in love with her static webcam image, or could she concievably get a sexual kick out of it?
Another thing; do these men ACTUALLY think they are contributing something to society by desperately squeezing life into their crooked, deformed, semi-erect post-ejaculate unmentionables, holding on long enough to snap the picture? Are they kidding themselves into thinking their beer guts and greasy pubic hair are at par with, for instance, playgirl? Now I've never read or seen Playgirl, but I'd put the mental and emotional scarring I recieved by both Scary Movie and these "galleries of cack"....dear god...the nightmares...THE NIGHTMARES, up against any bet that the scales might look slightly like a teeter-totter with one kid sitting on it. One fat kid. One fat kid, his fat family and the state of texas on one side. I would assume that professional man-whores are -
1) In shape
2) Have NOT recently masturbated.....dear god, THE SCARS! THE SCARS!!!
3) And are being photographed with something a little more hi-tech then a grainy, 20c porno-grade webcam.
My curiousty got the better of me: I had to know. I took a survey of my friends and family, my neighbors and every yahoo fanclub I could find.
Q: "Do you find men's naughty bits to be visually appealing in any way whatsoever?"
"Naughty bits? haha, thats funny. uh I dont know, most girls I know think penises are ugly."
That put my worries to rest, I knew I wasn't alone, even though one person did say "I guess," but that was a guy, and I...didn't ask questions. But for some reason I wasn't satisfied: maybe because I'd gotten no real answers or maybe, just maybe I didnt want to end this crap-fest having talked about cam whores, J-Lo, Hale-Bop and his mannequin friend more than the topic that I was orginally hoping to focus on. So, in a last ditch attempt to pull my self-esteem back up, I did perhaps something I could have done from the beginning to asnwer my questions: I contacted the webmistress herself.
Me: Hi there, might I be able to ask you a question?
Her: Send me your cack
Me: Well that's kinda what I was gonna ask you about.
Her: What are you gay, send me your cack
Me: Uhm....I'm a woman
The end (Duran Duran, here I come).