I HATE THE GOVERNMENTBy: Josh
Brace yourself, this is gonna suck. To celebrate another day gone by with nothing to show, another week of work or school, staring out the window, watching the lights change, the world turn, and other people enjoying themselves, I decided not to get mad about religion and all the sanctimonious bullshit, dumping on things and the like. So I won't, congratulations, it's not like anyone reads this shit anyway. It's been a good twelve hours since that Adam and Eve deal, so you know I'm just bursting with joi de vive with my sociality. I actually have such a lack of any-fucking-thing to do. Oh well, FreakFarm list has been doing well for FUCKSOCIETY, so that's good. If you like FUCKSOCIETY, it would be doing Dave and myself a nice favour if you clicked on the banner for us 'cause then more people will think we're good, and will come and then we can take over the world. Whatever, do what you want. Don't take 30 seconds of your time to show your support, it's not like we like you or anything. Okay, fine! So I "MAY NOT" be cool, and I "MAY NOT" be funny, and my clothes "MAY NOT" fit me properly, and I "MAY NOT" smell good, but this is all I have left. This-is-all-I-have-left. With every last ounce of strength I have, I'm going to expose you to some of the stupidest laws, no, - no wait, THE most wonderfully vacuous wastes of logic that ever existed. People - politicians no less, actually took the time to vote this shit through Congress. If I contributed tax dollars to the system, I'd be feeling pretty cheated. Granted, most of these were enacted back when the most intelligence you were gonna find circulated around men walking around Minnesota with ducks on their heads just to piss off the feds. Most of these come from the States, the stupid fucks were actually worse in the "olden" days, of course we had to throw our two bit Sasquatch-protection laws, but hey we're stupid, eh. These things are still laws though, that's what I don't get. With a rueful shake of the head I declare, just a few more reasons why society needs to be fucked, and fucked good, hard never to be called back. Well, I guess I caved and decided to bitch after all. At lesat it's not about religion this time. I hate everything.
In the state of ARKANSAS it is illegal to pronounce their name wrong. Arkansas. Jesus these people have less to do with their time than I do. Also, after repeated complaints that people weren't getting they's supper on time no more, men were forbidden to beat their wives more than once a month. In Little Rock, after a stern talking to, they made it illegal for the Arkansas river to rise higher than the Main St. Bridge.
ALABAMANS can't drive their cars blindfolded. I would have liked to be around when they gave up and said, "look it ain't working, I'm taking this thing off."
You know I was just looking over how many laws there are, and I'm not gonna have enough room, I'll have to expand this into two sermons. Fuck, you could write a book about this stuff.
CALIFORNIANS are forbidden from preventing children jumping over puddles, they are guaranteed sunshine though. Yup, it's a law for the government to provide you with sunshine in California. No wonder they're so cheery. Due to the tremendous swimming power of whales, in contrast to the slow walking speed of man, the government made them the only animal you could shoot from a moving vehicle.
You may not drive a black car on Sunday, or mistreat a rat any day, in Denver, COLORADO. 'Nuff said.
CONNETICUT is just fucked. You can't kiss your wife on a Sunday, or WALK BACKWARDS after sunset. Apparently noon is the time they try to encourage you to WALK BAVCKWARDS during. Idiots.
FLORIDA, justly, demands that you pay parking fees for your elephants just as you would for your car.
IDAHO respectfully asks police officers approaching vehicles, whose occupants are engaging in sex, to either honk, or flash their lights and wait three minutes before approaching the car. But if you are fishing from a Camel's back, they're gonna give you the chair.
ILLINOIS could be a list of its own. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. They also frown upon SPEAKING ENGLISH there in ILLINOIS. You may also be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. It is a felony offense to eavesdrop on your own conversation.??????
I bet you didn't know that in IOWA, one-armed Piano players are required by law to perform for free. Or that horses are forbidden from eating fire hydrants. Idiots. You're all idiots.
MAINE cut back on lethargy by making it illegal to have your Christmas lights up after January 14.
MASSACHUSETTS has banned "Quakers" and "Witches" from their state, as well as banning mourners from eating more than 3 sandwiches at a wake.
In MICHIGAN it is required, by a law that they made, to pay you a dime for every dead rat you bring into the Town office.
MINNESOTA of course has a law against entering their state with a duck atop your head, or entering WISCONSIN with a chicken up there.
The good-old, home-grown MONTANA hillbillys make sure you have a chaperone wih you whenever there's a sheep in your truck. Throwing a ball is also illegal within the state limits.
NEW JERSEY, yes NEW JERSEY has legalized frowning at Police Officers, and slurping soup. I'm glad they took the time to make sure their priorities were straightened out.
NEW HAMPSHIRE is the best though, and that's where I'll leave you today. In NEW HAMPSHIRE
·You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
·You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
·It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
·On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.
·If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park and many other activities without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for "maintaining the national forest without a permit."
I'm gonna leave you there to ponder your existence, and how absolutely nothing can mean shit when you go to NEW HAMPSHIRE and are legally obligated to stare at your genitals while relieving yourself. Whenever I feel like it again, I'll post some more, and yes those are all bona fide laws. I've got way too much free time. I haven't forgotten Canada though, don't worry, the time will come.
If you hate me, but like reading about the laws, go to Dumb Laws for more information about the stupid Americans. If your nice, and want to give me a reason to live, however, you'll wait for me to post more. I "MAY NOT" smell nice or anything, but I did give you God to blame for all of your problems. I'll give you more next week sometime, but only if you E-fucking-Mail me. You know how people like to get letters in the mail, how exciting it is? Just think about. Then go kill some puppies.