How To Get ChicksBy: Josh
I've gone a year now with virtually no internet, and I'm afraid I may have gotten a little out of touch with the fuck community. For this post, I think I'm gonna play it safe, and keep in with a current trend on fs; guides! Hey now, where's that bandwagon? Can I come for a ride? Now all I have to do is spend a day or two on the forum, picking up on all the new, super-hip inside jokes, start a webcomic, and I'll be back on top!
What the fuck is a pwned anyway?
Who the fuck am I kidding; no one from the forum will ever read this anyway.
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I think whoever coined the phrase "Diamond's are a girl's best friend" was slightly mistaken, and probably just trying to sell their diamonds, whatever their reason for coining it. Who coins phrases anyway? Why is it coining a phrase, anyway? Who are these people? OMG, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH AIRPLANE FOOD? Unless the diamond's are stolen, or somehow magic, I venture to claim that "Federal offenses are a girl's best friend." But of course, if the diamonds were magic, they'd win hands down. Hell, the mask from The Mask would win hands down if that's what it came to: anything magic is cool, no matter how much money it earns Jim Carrey. I think there's something about breaking a law for a woman that is irresistibly attractive to them. Look at Romeo and Juliet: he kills her cousin, and she still marries him and then dies for him. And that's one of the greatest love stories ever told. Only a meager few weeks after meeting my ex-girlfriend for the first time I stole her a giant, fake rose from a carelessly unlocked(re: easy to break into) Macdonald's display case. She wasn't my girlfriend at the time, but with the money I spent on date rape drugs, how could she resist for long? Later, after we started dating, she told me that she'd had a thing for me ever since that very night. Coincidence? PROBABLY.
Mom, Dad - this is Josh, no he's not 40, he just
thinks he's making a bold social statement
(can buy beer underage by shaving his head like so)
The most expensive present I had ever given someone in my short, cheap life was the fine for theft and possession I had to pay for attempting to steal something for her birthday 2 years later. I was broke, and homeless, I was allowed to be cheap. And though it may not be against the law, I was also sleeping on her couch, and eating all her roommates food at the time: definitely straining the boundaries of "friendly hospitality." To be fair, it wasn't even a couch: it was a love seat. Now, I'm 6 feet tall, sleeping on a 3-foot long chair isn't exactly like living at the 4-Seasons, a place I might add, which wouldn't involve being around her roommate. I consider me eating all his food as payment for having to watch him stroll around in a see-through sarong all day, not to mention the monthly nipple-waxing.
I only wish I was joking about that, and of course in my world having to sleep on a love seat is compensation for uninvitedly sleeping on the love seat for 2 months, only a nice, comfy couch would warrant any form of guilt. If it wasn't for my ability to justify all the things I shouldn't do, I wouldn't be where I am today... yeah; single.
Later that same summer I was involved in the drunken theft of over a dozen chocolate bars from a local 7-11, most of which were given to her as an apology for breaking into her apartment the day before. So we can add more theft, and breaking and entering to the list. I'm not sure if that's also trespassing, but let's not forget that friendly hospitality thing. Then there's the times I've taken her out for dinner and we skipped out on the bill. The time I drove her car without a license. The times I've been involved in someone driving her car drunk, without a license, when her car has no insurance, over the speed limit, to buy drugs, every combination of those things, and all without her knowledge. Not that I was driving the car, or the one drinking or the one buying drugs, but, you know, I coulda stopped them.
Don't leave ya girls 'round me
So to recap: I was a broke, homeless, cheap, alcoholic mooch, somewhere in my head I think a few stolen Almond Joys are as good as presenting her the keys to the city, and this is the woman who lived with me for over a year. Oh, not to mention that I'm a really, really shitty boyfriend. I think we can all agree how great a catch I am: I spend my free time on my computer bitching about movies and, hell, I don't even know anymore. My claim to internet fame involves an animation of a beloved, purple dinosaur with a mega-wang that I didn't even put there. I can drink my weight in beer, I'm a prematurely balding high-school drop-out with no job-skills, social skills, I actually said "fascinating" the first time I touched a girl's breast, the only thing I seem to have going for me is my ability to break the law.
No cadillacs, no perms you can see
That I'm a motherfucking P.I.M.P.
My first girlfriend whom I met on a bus taking me back to Ontario where I was days away from having a warrant out for my arrest, fell in love with me after 2 days of bus-riding together. I told her of my plans to become a bank robber so I wouldn't have to work anymore, she told me of her fantasies of taking my virginity. We had one of those short and sweet relationships, that have everyone involved making new years ever resolutions a little early.
STOP DATING LOSERS, may have topped her charts that year, whereas DRUG-ADDICTED STRIPPERS DO NOT GOOD GIRLFRIENDS MAKE has capped mine for 5 years running!
I think, after some time alone, in contemplation, that this attraction to the bad apples harkens back to prehistoric days. There's no more competition for alpha males for all the women to breed with. Sure we all try to make ourselves look as good as possible to attract the opposite sex -
But underneath it all, that excitement is gone. See we no longer beat the shit out of wild animals for food, or each other to prove our supremacy... at least-well, okay-but only on a global level, I mean, the animals are killed for us, the afghanis are bombed for us, to prove our supremacy. a;jklhg;KGJ I MEAN, TO ENSURE OUR PEACE AND FREEDOM, all that's left on the list on the list of the things that turn the women on are being in an emo band and breaking the law. I don't know, I may just be reaching for some random points and tying them all together in a way that helps my case, who knows, I gave up trying to believe it was my giant fucking cock that brought all these women to me, a long time ago.
I know I put that thing somewhere...
PRO TIP #1: WOMEN LIKE THE REBELS
PRO TIP #2: THIS IS INCREDIBLY EASY TO FAKE
PRO TIP#3: ALWAYS PAUSE RIGHT BEFORE YOU FINISH A SENTENCE, IT WILL MAKE YOU SEEM... DEEP
PRO TIP #4: START A BAND CALLED A CANDLE-LIT FIRE-TEAR CONFESSIONAL INSIDE
PRO TIP #5: THIS IS ALSO INCREDIBLY EASY TO FAKE. SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU GUYS IN ACLFTCI JUST COULDN'T STAY TOGETHER BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU PLAYED, YOU ALL BROKE DOWN IN TEARS AND STARTED WRITING POETRY. ON STAGE. ON YOUR ARMS. IN BLOOD. AND THEN WASHED IT OFF RIGHT AWAY. NO ONE COULD EVER READ IT... AND UNDERSTAND. BUT YOU GOT A TATTOO OF *INSERT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU HAVE A TATTOO OF HERE* SO YOU'D REMEMBER... FOREVER
PRO TIP #6: IF YOU DON'T HAVE A TATTOO, CUT YOURSELF. NOW YOU HAVE THE SCAR TO HELP YOU REMEMBER... FOREVER
PRO TIP #7: OKAY, DON'T CUT YOURSELF, YOU PROBABLY HAVE SOME OLD HACKEY-SACK SCAR ON YOU SOMEWHERE, HOPEFULLY IN AREAS THAT REQUIRE AT LEAST PARTIAL UNDRESSING TO SHOW OFF
PRO TIP #8: STOP PLAYING HACKEY-SACK, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
JOSH: You know, I hit that gray area, whenever I'm doing something for the site, when I ask myself "Is there any point to me doing this?" which is why I have so much unfinished junk lying around my computer.
DAVE: You have to ask yourself that question? Of course there's no point!