a n i m a t i o n  .  w o r d s  &  p i c t u r e s   .   f o r u m


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Jehovah's Assholes

By: Josh
03.11.01


So, on Friday, I happened to be out drinking, came home very early Saturday Morning, sans sleep, eventually ended up passing out on the couch sometime around 9:00 or 10:00 AM. It was somewhere in the region of 20 minutes after the passing of out, when the doorbell rings. I get up, try to look out the window. Without my glasses on, it kind of looks like a friend of mine, so I answer the door. Mistake One
Me:(seeing that I know no wrinkly, old woman) What?
ASSHOLES: Would you like to find real happiness?
Me: What?
ASSHOLES: Oh, did we wake up?
Me: (wishing fire and brimstone would rain down upon them) uhm, yes.
This goes on, the hangover kicking in, until I admit that I want to find real happiness and that I like to learn about history. Mistake Two.


"[the bible] alone truly illuminates the past, present, and the future."

Everyone has their gripes with these people, everyone hates them coming to their doors. I think I'm a tad too considerate when it comes to Jeho's, I can't tell them to fuck off and slam the door in their faces like my Father, I just normally nod and say "yes" until they go away, leaving me with the JESUS BOOTY! I've gotten...just way too much shit from them. This time it was 2 pamphlets, the one I decided to read and make fun of, was titled "What should we learn from HISTORY?" The other, I'll save for another time.

Now, this was a long time coming, frankly I'm even surprised myself that I took so long in getting around to the good, old Jehovah's Witnesses. Thank you to...uhm...let's call them Betty and Veronica: the two lovely, plague-inflicted elderly "ladies" who woke me up Saturday morning for reminding me how much I love these stupid fucks.


"As a divinely inspired and preserved record of REAL people...the Bible is elevated above all other books"

So, digging through this testament to utter crap, hungover at 10:30 AM, I read the first few pages which deal with history, naturally, and past empires and how inaccuracies can exist in history, and old rulers like the Pharaoh's used to change historical documents books to make themselves look better. You start thinking it's possible, who isn't a little paranoid that the government is lying to us?

But that's about when they lose credibility, as the next 2 pages start off with the claim that the Bible is the only true, substantiated recorded source of History! Yeah, you heard me! Burning/talking bushes, talking Donkeys, people living in Whales, men walking on water then turning said water into wine, people RISING FROM THE DEAD left and right, seas parting, the plagues! GOD! ANGELS! THE DEVIL! THE MOST ACCURATELY DOCUMENTED ACCOUNT OF HISTORY? WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY'RE KIDDING? There's no fucking way I can take anything they say seriously after that, I mean these are the people who claimed the world was gonna end 30 YEARS AGO!


"The Bibles writers were also meticulously accurate.."

To defeat any "faith" at all that I had that this shit might make any sense, that they might actually be trying to say anything other than, "Worship of Jehovah is the sole purpose of life" they cut right in the middle of the History mumbo-jumbo with a page titled "THE JOY OF WATCHING BIRDS"?!?!?!? Followed by some crap about seals, and another page or two of History propaganda, topping off with a story about some preacher-woman's odd bladder problems, and why Jehovah kept her from killing herself each and every one of the 100 times a day she had to piss in absolute agony. So, suffice it to say, they strayed from the "history" path quite a bit. I mean they have that woman on Methadone, maybe the all-mighty light and power of Jehovah she experienced as a preacher was mistaken for the VAST AMOUNTS OF HEROIN SHE SHOT UP! I swear, I mean, I tried to read through the whole stupid thing, hungover, with 20-30 minutes sleep, but all I kept focusing on was this woman, this preacher. I mean, they're gonna have to remove her bladder, take a second to think about how she's gonna have to piss from now on . . .just think about it. And STILL, after that, she was praising Jehovah. If you had liver failure, and were shitting into a colostomy bag, would you still say Grace every day at dinner?

"Oh lord, we thank thee for this bounty which we are about to receive, and thank you, oh lord, for the bag hanging here with which this food will be deposited into by nightfall.....amen."


"Mommy, it hurts when I pee"

Which isn't even an option for the old bitty horribly pictured above, I swear they listed 30 things, everyday things, like cheese, fruits (ANY/EVERY fruit), tea, chocolate, onions, that SHE CAN'T EAT ANYMORE ... PERIOD! Praise Jesus, Heil Hitler WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Speaking of which: the Jehovah's claimed the world was gonna end in 1975, alright? "The end was near!", Arma-FUCKING-geddon okay? Many Witnesses quit school, quit their fucking jobs for this, getting prepared for "The Big Day." Looking around, I'm still seeing a world. And if you ask them now, they down-play how huge it was, even though you can look this all up in old news, radio, tv, and yes, the internet. All Jehovah's documentations subtly overlooks, and/or brushes this off. And, yes AND they completely deny the time in 1925 when they claimed the world was gonna end. Half their followers LEFT the Faith after fuck all happened that time. So, based merely on those two facts alone, are these the type of people that you think should be advertising how hypocritical they are regarding historical facts? I didn't think so.


Verdict? Fit enough to wipe my ass with....barely

Why don't you "witness' some common fucking sense and stay the fuck off my property? Jehovah's witnesses are the SPAMmer's of God. I don't give a shit how nonsensical your religion is, go ahead, be a fucking loony for all I care, but I seriously don't see why you feel the need to make sure the rest of us know how off-the-wall you nut jobs are. I like getting presents on my Birthday okay? CHRISTMAS IS FUN! And if that makes me Satan, then you can go right ahead and stamp the number of the beast square on my asshole! So go ahead, have your little Klan meetings as often as you like, I'll be here, waiting next year for the world to end again. And I'll be fucked if I'm answering my door anymore.

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