Why Do I Hate Jehovah's?By: Josh
June, 21 2001
Well, for one thing, they WONT FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!
*knock knock*(early one fine saturday morning, while I slumbered)
Betty: (yes that 900-year old bitty is back) Hello. Is Joshua home?
Below is a diagram of the events of that morning. First, as you can see, the mother ship landed, secondly they came to my door ready to beat me with the fist of Jesus, and the result was me blowing everyone to hell!
Now I know what you're thinking: how does Betty know E-Rev's name? Well DONT ASK ME! Fucking psychos. If they're not leaving me alone, I'm sure as hell not leaving them alone. I again thanked Betty for taking the time to talk to lil' ole me, and sat down with a large mug of coffee to travel to wondrous lands of stupidness. That's right Betty, I'm calling you stupid.
This month's issue: Can MONEY bring you the REAL LIFE?
They start off this escapade like last time, with some seemingly normal thoughts on greed and the money-mania and materialism of the world, using quotes from obscure Greek philosophers and such. But, like last time, they skewed off into the world of crazy by the third or fourth page. I don't know if they intended it to be subtle or not, but to go from a (albeit generalized and stupid) sentence like "Money can't buy you the things you need: love, happiness, friendship...etc etc" to, just on the next page, a sentence like "jehovah, jehovah jehovah, jehovah! JEHOVAH!!!!" you tend to find putting validity in their statements a tad hard. So, their summary and hypothesis for fixing the greed and materialism of the world amounted to "We should be content with what we have." With a few scattered pictures.
Okay, let's see, that first woman should be content that she has a book, right? WOW! The second, obviously should be content that she has stupid, ugly kids. I can see what they're saying, this is great fun! Let's do some more -
So, Jesus should be content to be a big bag of suck, and all those people should be content to be mindless, stupid fucking cultist weirdos. The world has all fallen together for me, I swear, thank jehovah!
You know, literature has been written to show how Jehovah's Witnesses use mind control and brainwashing techniques similar to those that the Korean's used on prisoners back in the war. But if you ask me, that's giving the Jeho's a little too much credit: these dipshits aren't smart enough to pull that off. I'm floored that they make the money to print off enough copies of crazy monthly to make it to my door. If this tripe is their idea of brainwashing, then it's no wonder they have to go door-to-door as often as possible and basically beg people to read their pamphlets which only outline, page by page, reason by reason, why there's no fucking way anyone should want to sign up. With a motley crock-up of sections, titles ranging from "Total Obedience to Jehovah, and why it's essential." to "How to remain joyful." and "Inviting Jehovah to examine us" to my favourite "Flee from Fornication (with pictures!!!)"
Look at the dirty, little Mormon Whore. Look at that, her skirt doesn't even cover her knees! WHORE! FLEE LITTLE JEHO BOY! FLEE FROM FORNICATION!!! And that poor, misguided soul. Look at him, alone. . .in the dark. . .with a beer. . .watching porn(the picture's bad, but he's got that TV remote gripped so tightly in his hand you know what's on his mind, and it ain't jehovah). Him and that little Mormon tramp hussy-slut should talk, they seem to have so much in common.....like FORNICATION!!!!
"Jehovah did not accept the Israelites' attempt to worship him on their own terms. 3,000 were destroyed, for the prominent role they played in the rebellious action of worshipping the golden calf."Yeah! A statue, a golden fucking statue. I sure hope they burn in hell! That'll teach them for not worshipping God properly. Didn't they have their handbooks?
"Many other wrongdoers suffered a plague from Jehovah. What a lesson for any who read God's word but choose for themselves how they want to obey!."They really sound proud of their God's tendency to kill everyone, even those who "worship" him if they don't get it right. "I'm sorry, you didn't read the fine print, if you fuck it up, we're burning your ass HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Die!" How the H-E-Double Hockey stick are you supposed to know if you're obeying him right? I mean, I'm sure those 24,000 Jews thought they had it right up until God crammed his "fair and just" wrath up their collective backsides.
"24,000 Israelites were executed for their sins(page 17).....Like the Israelites, we have received many blessings from Jehovah(page 19)"Am I the only one who sees this shit? Honestly, someone tell me I'm not crazy here.
"Jehovah's people today are known for their high moral standards. But when tempted with sexual immorality, some Christians have stopped thinking about God. At first, the temptation may not involve an act of fornication. It may be an inclination to delve into Pornography..."That one's just funny: tee hee, they said fornication and pornography. Tee hee
One thing that definitely stood out this issue was the overwhelming name-dropping of The Apostle Paul, and that guy completely proves the religion a sham to me and negates any validity they might once have had. He was anti-Jesus up until jesus died(bandwagon-jumper). He took a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT religion and grafted anything he wanted on to it to get drones to sign up, until the Jews came right out and disassociated themselves with him. Everything he ever said was a crock, made up, and added onto other religions to make HIS more appealing. And he is the Jeho's biggest defense? I'm sorry Betty, but you have yet to do more than make me piss myself with laughter, and spill my coffee on my crotch. I'll see you next month dear.