And the Lord said "Send them your SPAM"By: Josh
Look ma, no pictures
Honestly, I never thought I'd see the day I got Jesus-SPAM. Technically this should probably go in Fuck Something, but DC's not been getting any love lately, or rather I've been hating it recently. But, this is where it's going and no one can stop me! Basically what this SPAM entails is some freaky internet cult of pedophiliac chatroom addicts. Let us take a look.
Subject: Tired of Traditional Church? We're starting something new come join us!!!
3 exclamation points people. THEY REALLY WANT YOU TO JOIN THEM!!!
"Wečre starting a new kind of church and would like you to be a charter member. CyberChurchOnline will open its virtual doors in 30 days. A church with no doors..no walls and no limits!! We are not bound by a denomination, religious rules or tradition. What binds us is our need for a better relationship with Jesus Christ and the faith to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others."
Which, to me, reads like: Look at us, we're a bunch of tweaked-out loonies. My therapist said to get a hobby, so I killed him, and ate a garbage pail full of pills. His plastic model of the human brain spoke to me, and it was Jesus, he said I was destined to suck so much ass it hurt like a bastard. Aren't I hip and smart, starting an internet religion? What a great fucking idea!!! It's a new kind of Church, and honesty I couldn't tell Jesus from the business end of an high colonic, but who cares? What binds us is our acid flashbacks and track marks. Come chat with Jesus 24/7. LOL *hugpoke*!!! Charter Member = only member not wearing a flannel robe and pink bunny slippers, drugged to the teeth and drooling over a bowl of generic brand corn flakes while watching Suzanne Summers Thighmaster tapes and licking the cat's asshole for kicks . . .god I hate my life.
"Are you tired of the same old boring church services Sunday after Sunday?" Do you even go to church at all?
Translation: DOWNLOAD FREE KIDDIE PORN WHILE-U-WAIT! Our Choir boys are ripe and ready for salvation.
"Wečll were here to offer you something very different! As Jesus did 2000 years ago, wečre here to break religious tradition!"
"We 're here - We're Queer -" . . .yeah, you know where I'm going with this.
"Wečre tired of the double standards and hypocrisy we see in traditional churches across the country. Wečre tired of the backbiting and judgmental attitude that is so prevalent in the church today. Wečre not here to judge each other but serve each other! Youčll have access to 24/7 instant chat time with live counselors. Theyčll pray with you, talk with you, and help you through needs and problems in your life. Wečll make it our mission to pray for you, your family and your needs each and every day!"
That's right, 24/7 instant chat time! Our molestors-to-be never sleep! WOW. Don't buy into the hype though, our mission is to make no sense at all, SPAM people before they can even go to the site, and have slumber parties to watch Buffy every week. When was the last time your old Church watched Buffy with you?
"Our chat counselors operate out of a physical church in San Antonio, TX. Youčll be able to see live video cam images of our counselors and facilities anytime of the day. Youčll be able to attend our services in the same way! Youčll have a pastor that is real and that is sick and tired of the fake money hungry televangelist we see every day. Our church is FREE and this isnčt about moneyitčs about helping people!"
It's the e-church! WHERE DO WE COME UP WITH THIS PLETHORA OF SHIT? We've collected the largest number of outcasted, child-molesting Pastors who are waiting to "counsel" you as soon our e-doors open. Don't delay, let Jesus rape you today. We know there's way we could make money off of this, we're hoping someone will click on the porn banners so we can afford to keep our cable connection. If I miss Jerry Springer again, sweet Aunt Jemima I'm sending you all to hell.
"People are searching for a more fulfilled and happy life! We know we can help you overcome the daily battles and struggles you face. Wečll go through them with you! Wečre starting this ministry to help people that need it and begin a new kind of church that has no boundaries. Wečre starting this church to be a family to people all over the world."
"Wečll send you daily devotions and youčll have full access to our website to receive up to the minute changing information and spiritual guidance. Join chat groups that fit your interests: Singles/Divorcees/Defeating Depression and Loneliness/Teens/Seniors/Young Married/ Momčs Club/Single moms/need a job..and many more!"
Hey, wasn't this supposed to be a Church or something that was remotely related to Jesus? Ah, fuck it, we're gonna use this as a way to pick up lonely, underaged and/or divorced Jesus-chicks. HAHAHAHAHA, we're evil masters of the almighty. HAHAHAHA, we molest people! HAHAHAHAH, ah crap where's my fucking prozac?
"Do you have needs and problems in your life and want someone to pray with you?"
It is required by jesus-law that you send us naked photos of yourself -
"Find friends in our church and wečll help you set up your own instant messaging profile to be able to talk with them at any time!"
- you know, so we can masturbate while thinking of you and looking at you. Naked.
"Do you want to experience the victory that a relationship with Jesus brings?"
- we will also masturbate while thinking about Jesus.
"If so send an email to the address below and join something truly specialType łnew memberČ in the subject line and wečll be in contact with you."
"Quit anytime you want.
There's no way we're EVER leaving you alone.
"Please give us your comments and suggestions that might help us as we start this new kind of church. Our goal is to have thousands of members across the globe reaching out and helping one another through prayer, fellowship and spiritual growth!"
We're going under. We know we're going down faster than Jesus in Rome.
I can't believe the stupidity of the world. They're trying to recruit me into a non-existent band of rogue child molestors looking for an e-hole to keep them warm at night. I e-mailed them back with my wishes to become a full-time member of "The Church of Crappy Suck Anonymous, now with 20% more Jesus!" Oh well, idiots, anyway, happy Friday the 13th all.