JESUS IS BACK! And He's LonelyBy: Josh
That's right, spread the word! JESUS IS BACK BABY! And he lives in a suburb in Virginia! (I always knew Jesus would live in the suburbs). Anyway JESUS.COM is the place to be for all your Jesus-dating needs, sermons about Kurt Cobain, and generally headache-inducing stupidity. Notice the copyright "jesus - 2001". Hmmm, so jesus is gonna take legal action against people who steal his images? Jesus made this website? JESUS IS DEAD! HA HA! FUCK YOU JESUS I'll SEE YOU IN COURT! Besides which, I could always prove Jesus insane beyond a reasonable doubt, in fact, I think I'll do that now...guffaw.
"When I thirst (John 19:28), nothing satisfies me more than a crisp pint of Guinness."Amongst the many glamour shots of Jesus scaring forest creatures, videos of him blessing Porsches, and taking bubble baths, I don't know, there's something just plain disturbing about Jesus...in broad daylight...wearing sunglasses and getting pissed drunk. To tell you the truth, I would have expected the re-birth of Christ to be a bigger deal: in the media, or religious circles at the least. I'm gonna have to go out on a limb with this one and say he's a few Barbie's short of a full playhouse. Speaking of which...
Click on the picture for the full-sized view. That picture came with the caption.
"The meek, subservient, and merciful will gain their material reward in the pearly gates of Heaven where they will be able to worship God for all eternity. Just as there are aisles of Barbie dolls on earth, wrapped in bright packaging and shiny plastic, there will be gold and love for all in Heaven. Those who obey, repent, and suffer for the promises of the Lord will gain his favor and the great rewards he offers for serving Him."Sit back and really look at that. I can't imagine this goon really thinks he's Jesus, I mean nicknames are one thing, I bet Jesus got beat up a lot in high school, that's all I can say to that. Though it makes me wonder why he dresses in a seemingly endless supply of blue robes, and doesn't seem to mind FBI agents following him around day and night. And Barbie's? Fuck's that? That's about as hard to swallow as a Jesus-Visa....wait...what did he say? That wasn't a lame segue into a picture of Jesus' personal Visa was it? Yes, yes it was.
Someone needs to tell Jesus to stop whoring himself out to the man. Seriously, who wants to type in their credit card number to order porn over the net with Jesus' face staring back at them? I don't. And isn't there something about "thou shall have no false Gods before me" in the Bible? You heard it here first folks, JESUS IS A WHORE! AND A SINNER! I swear I could spend months on this nut bar! But, let's get to the real meat of this site before I get sick of listening to myself talk, and the explanation for the "..and he's lonely" bit in the title: Jesus is using this site to find women. Apparently women at the strip clubs only want him for his money, and lap dances got tiresome, as none of the strippers would bathe with him(we'll get to that, oh yes we will). But first, let's read Jesus's date manifesto shall we?
Golden-haired, blue-eyed Jesus seeks loving young woman (22-29), preferably of recent Norse-Germanic heritage, who wishes to live in the spirit of the eternal. Innocence, or rebirth into innocence, and a desire to transcend the material mendacity of this world are essential! I offer a pure and spiritual existence of life's essence, free of fear, free of despair. I will reveal the bliss, power, and endless rewards of faith and belief. The right woman who is ready for my love, blessings, and unforgettable spiritual exploration will be given the world, but will also want to give me her world in the mutual quest to share the infinite. I offer you the ability to experience the fulfillment of your dreams and all you seek. Prospective respondents should read 1 John 4:18. True to artistic depictions, I have a lean swimmer's body and a six-pack, and if you have sought your best in life you will also be in good shape
High-School photo of girl I didn't know #1, and girl I didn't know #2.
You read correctly: this is Jesus' personal, online dating service. I guess the average, Virginian woman just isn't into men who prance around in soiled robes, calling themselves the bloody messiah re-born, whilst getting hammered and shopping for that oh so hard-to-find Astronaut Barbie with the pink helmet as opposed to the blue. "Golden-haired, blue-eyed JESUS!" Most raving lunatics settle for necrophilia, and net-porn, but Jesus, with his lean, swimmers body and 6-pack, seems a bit picky to me. And who wouldn't take a man who calls himself Jesus seriously? He cliams this as the "the most extravagant personal ad in the history of civilization." Jesus took those 2 pictures of who I assume are his sister and her friend and posted them as girls who were interested in him. I really don't know what to say anymore, I mean, do I even need to make these lame jokes about him? I can't even fathom the utterly pitiful nature of this web site.
To rectify(tee hee) this problem of loneliness, Jesus has set up a little contest to "win a bath with Jesus!" Ok, "Win a bath with Jesus"? It's true, and for those women who prefer to stand up while some loony who calls himself the son of God tries to fondle them, you can exchange it for a Jesus-shower. I'm gonna go out on that limb again and say this fellows a few barbie's short of a full playhouse. Honestly, how many women e-mailed this institution-escapee 'cause they lost a bet over whether there really was an online, Jesus-dating service or not?
Young women interested in bathing with Jesus can now have their dream come true.
Look at that picture! LOOK AT IT!(once again click for full view) A bath with some poor shmuck woman from Oregon, with the caption "Thankful that her burden of sin has been lifted, Melissa offers a caring embrace." Puts in my mind, "Jesus, thankful Melissa would sit on his lap for the picture and 50 bucks, offers a caring grab of her tit so he can brag to his friends."
I think that's enough torture for one day. There's more to be found in this twisted little corner of the web, but until I have the energy to make fun of the "Jesus compatibility quiz", I will leave you to ponder Jesus giving the thumbs up to some unkonwn persons bumper sticker, obviously after a few pints of Guinness."Jesus not racist, Jesus like Chevy's, Honda's, and Children"
Haven't had your daily fill of Jesus yet? Why not read Jesus Shirts or Jesus Pictures or even Give it up for lent, a romping retelling of Jesus' Valentine's A Go-Go Drunk-Fest.