Mormons Don't Get Off, They Get Even!By: Josh
Hi! I'm Robert Urich, star of such films as The Lazarus Man and Magnum Force, and while I may not be a Mormon, I sure support their views on Masturbation.....icky...icky....icky. Today we're gonna review those views in the Mormon's STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION!!! And to celebrate the lift on the Anti-Black ban in Mormonism Mr. T will translate these steps from Honky to Jive.
Mr. T: That was 20 years ago foo'
Robert Urich: What?
Mr. T: The Anti-Black thing, they lifted it 20 years ago.
Robert Urich: Well, it's about time we got some Black Mormons.
Actually folks, Mr. T isn't a Mormon, but he's the only Black person we know, all masturbation rules and regulations are copyright some dumb Mormon web site, yes, even the Jive translations.
1)Never touch the intimate parts of your body expect during normal toilet processes. I can't stress this one enough, it's #1 for a reason.
Translated to Jive: Neva' touch de intimate parts uh yo' body 'espect durin' no'mal toilet processes.
2)Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
Translated to Jive: Avoid bein' alone as much as possible. Find baaaad company and stay in dis baaaad company. Slap mah fro!
3)If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
Translated to Jive: If ya' is associated wid oda' sucka's havin' dis same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Neva' associate wid oda' sucka's havin' de same weakness. Duzn't suppose dat two uh ya' gots'ta quit togeder, ya' neva' will. You's gots'ta get away fum sucka's uh dat kind. Just t'be in deir presence gots'ta keep yo' problem fo'emost in yo' mind. De problem gots'ta be snatchn OUT OF YOUR MIND fo' dat be where it real 'esists. Yo' mind gots'ta be on oda' and mo'e wholesome doodads.
4)When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes--just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
Translated to Jive: When ya' bade, do not admire yo'self in some mirro'. Neva' stay in de bad mo'e dan five o' six minutes--plum long enough t'bade and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF DE BATHROOM into some room where ya' gots'ta some memba' of yo' family present. Man!
5)When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing, you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
Translated to Jive: When in bed, if dat be where ya' gots yo' problem fo' de most part, dress yo'self fo' de night so's securely dat ya' kinnot easily touch yo' vital parts, and so's dat it would be difficult and time consumin' fo' ya' t'remove dose clodes. By de time ya' started t'remove protective clodin', ya' would gots sufficiently cuntrolled yo' dinkin' dat da damn temptashun would leave ya'.
6)If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You change the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
Translated to Jive: If de temptashun seems overpowerin' while ya' is in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it be in de middle uh de night, and even if y'all's not hungry, and despite yo' fears uh gainin' weight. Man! De purpose behind dis suggesshun be dat ya' GET YO' MIND OUN SOMETHING ELSE. You's change da damn subject uh yo' doughts, so's to rap.
7)Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of your mind. Remember--"first a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
Translated to Jive: Neva' read po'nographic material. Neva' read about yo' problem. WORD! Keep it out uh yo' mind. Remember--"fust some dought, den an act. Man!" De dought pattern gots'ta be changed. You's gots'ta not allow dis problem t'remain in yo' mind. When ya' accomplish dat, ya' soon gots'ta be free uh de act. Man!
8)Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books--Church books-scriptures--sermons of the brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of scripture, preferable from one of the four gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four gospels--Matthew, Mark, Luke and John--above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
Translated to Jive: Put wholesome doughts into yo' mind at all times. Eyeball baaaad scribblin's--Church scribblin's-scriptures--sermons uh de bredren. 'S coo', bro. Make some daily habit uh readin' at least one chapta' of scripture, preferable fum one uh de foe gospels in de New Testament, o' de Scribblin' uh Mo'mon. 'S coo', bro. De foe gospels--Matdew, Mark, Luke and John--above nuthin else in de Bible kin be helpful cuz' of deir downliftin' qualities.
9)Pray. And ask yourself: "What would Jesus do?"
Translated to Jive: Jesus was black.
Okay, well, I made #9 up...
I don't have a clue where "Slap mah fro'" or "doodads" fits into the "jive" vocabulary, but, well, if Robert Urich thinks Masturbation is icky, then so the hell do I.