Men of HonorBy: Josh
My alarm clock has only read the correct time for a very short period after I bought it. There was a storm, the power went out, it was off by a few hours, and I just adjusted to whatever the difference was(my clock says it's 4pm, that means it's 7pm, etc.), and I've never changed it for daylight savings time. Laziness is a beautiful thing. On the rare occasion that I'm watching television, I get too damn lazy to change the channel after the show I want to watch is over. So I find myself watching back-to-back episodes of Saved by the Bell and A Different World, my mind so dullened I can only make vague comments to myself that "A Different World" is quite the ironic title.
A DIFFERENT WORLD IS, LIKE, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM SAVED BY THE BELL DUDE. ZACK MORRIS SURFS: BLACK PEOPLE DONT SURF.
Failing that, I often find myself sitting on the computer reading about how lazy some guy is, YOU FUCKING LOSERS. The other day, I was watching The Mummy Returns on TMN, and to my unfortunate luck "Men of Honor" happened to be on afterward.
The feel-good movie of the summer
. . .but, you know, not
Top 3 Things Said By Someone Before Making A Racist Comment -
3) I'll tell you what's wrong with this country....Now, I'm not racist or anything, but there was an African-American who was the first to do EVERYTHING. I understand that, the entire world understands that, we don't need to be informed that sometime, some place, an African-American used a pair of left-handed scissors for the first time in history. I can fully appreciate movies about Malcom X, or Reggie Jackson, movies about milestone-setting African-American's. Men who stood up against racism and opression, and followed thier dreams, TALLY HO! My patience tends to wear when a movie about the first black man to wear velcro shoes or spandex comes out, when you can just smell the blatant Hollywoodization of the story. Which happens in any movie "based" on a true story of course, but it's almost like they've become their own genre: quick, find out who the first homeless person of color to piss in this alley was, call Morgan Freeman: we'll tack on an overexaggerated life-story. The Academy eats this shit up. Perhaps I wouldn't care so much if the movie was good, but Men of Honor, the story of the first African American US Naval diver, was going nowhere right from the start
Men of Honor - 2000
Robert De Niro: Hi, I'm Robert De Niro, remember when I used to be cool?Cue flash-back-that-lasts-the-WHOLE-movie
Young Cuba Gooding Jr: I love to swim!!!!! Look at me swim, I'm a little boy, and therefore cute as hell!
Cue 20-year flash-forward that's still a flash-back from the first scene.
Cuba Gooding Jr: I have become a cook in the Navy, I suffer for my passion, which is water, pity me.
Robert De Niro: I'm racist, cliche cliche we're all racist, no one wants you here, cliche cliche you'll never pass my school, cliche cliche.
Jo: I play the only other black person in this movie, I'm also the only person who will teach you the alphabet, so you can pass the Naval school and be the first black person to do the breast stroke.Cue montage of Cuba Gooding Jr. Swimming, and doing that fancy, book-learnin' while Robert De Niro stands around scowling pensively and picking on Michaal Rappaport for befriending Cuba Gooding Jr.
Cuba Gooding Jr: Look at me, it took 10 minutes to learn all the education I missed from the age of 10, and become the best student in the school. I'm going to graduate! I beat the odds!
Supreme Ruler McDeathbot: That concludes the de-briefing. Now, go, bring me the head of Cuba Gooding Jr!!!Elsewhere in the world, the search continues . . .
Robot Bob: You wouldn't happen to know where Cuba Gooding Jr. is, would you? You know, tall, dimpled, "show me the money"? No?But to no avail, that is until . . .
Overall: The movie was all really bad, regurgitated cliches. After an hour and a half of waiting for them to just pass him already: it's going to happen, they tell you on the damn box it's going to happen, his leg gets sliced off, and his wife decides to come back to him for some reason. Thank god his Father told him to be the best, or he might realize that getting your leg chopped off is a sure sign that youre not very good at your job, and give up, but NO, he had to become the first Amputee Naval diver too.
The next day he became the first African-American Amputee Naval diver to take a shit in the last stall of the Red Lobster men's bathroom.
Just yesterday he beat the odds to become the first African-American Amputee Naval diver fill his car up with gas at 11:45AM.
Someday he plans to be the first African-American Amputee Naval diver to belch the Alphabet backwards.
God, I hate Hollywood.