Why Will Smith Should Be Shot
I solemnly swear that I will never make a "gettin' jiggy with it"
joke after today... I feel dirty already.
Why Will Smith should be shot. It's a simple equation really: because he deserves
to be. If not for me having heard "Na na na na na na na na na na na Gettin'
jiggy with it!" more times then "Backstreet's back, ALRIGHT!", I'd
shoot him for every one of the 8,898.04 seasons of THE FRESHEST PRINCE IN DA HOOD
that my god damned family HAD to watch every week, not mention the nightmare of
a syndication deal that piece of TGIF crap got, not to mention EVERY SINGLE "gettin'
jiggy wit' it" "joke" I had to stomach without putting my foot through
my TV. I'm ashamed to say that I own one of his albums, and it's time I had revenge.
The harder question is: why hasn't he been shot already? It's one of those great
conundrums of life, like, why aren't there any doors on UPS trucks? What purpose
does that serve? Honestly. Or why is "Snow" rolling around in his money with many
naked cuban boys after a successful come back album, yet Vanilla Ice, gone and
forgot, is nurturing not one, but TWO failed attempts? Why? Because there is no
justice in this world. Now before I go off on a tangent about why, if there was
any justice in the world, Will Smith would be tossed into a cage match, free-for-all-to-the-death
between him, the Pope and the entire cast from Three's Company(circa Suzanne Summers),
refereed by an 8-foot fat cell and the disembodied voice of Richard Simmons, being
cheered on by an audience of 80,000 clones of me with The White Album playing
backwards over the loudspeakers, I'll try to list out why I find him so... shootable.
WILL - The "Rapper"
First of all, I'll admit that I know nothing of Rap, I don't listen to it, I don't
like it. But Will Smith "rapping" is about as credible and believable to me as,
say, SHAQ rapping. So, based on the commonly accepted stereotypes, which I would
never turn my back on, here's why Will Smith is not a rapper, and should be shot
for his stupidity.
Firstly: Will Smith started off his career in the 80's with "Parents just don't
understand" as the Steve Guttenburg(of Police Academy SUPER-FAME!!@!1): it's
easy to laugh at them, AT not WITH, but after a while their super-inflated egos
just get annoying. After his SUPER-DUPER FRESH HOUR WITH DA PRINCE show started,
he had the fame to make a hit record and "BOOM! SHAKE! SHAKE! Shake the room!"
back into our hearts. His simple, yet melodic BOOM!ing still brings a tear to
my eye to this day. "BOOM! Shake the room!" was the single... a bold move: he
didn't even get jiggy with anything (WHEE! JIGGY JOKES). And for those not satisfied
with your average BOOM!ing, we also got treated to the special "street remix"
of "BOOM! Shake the room!", touted by some as possibly the best fucking song ever
Secondly: As is my understanding: Rappers smoke blunts, "jiggy" hoes, and
drink 40's. Will Smith does none of that. Neither do Michael Douglas, Snow or
Aaron Carter, and does anyone call THEM rappers? Do you see the parallel I'm trying
to make here? Is it blatant enough? Will Smith doesn't swear or do/say anything
controversial, as rappers are obligated to. I mean "Boom! SHAKE! SHAKE! Shake
the room!" my lily white ass, why the hell was that a hit? Another thing: Will
Smith is signed to "JIVE" Records, record company of: Aaron Carter. Yes, Aaron
Carter, not to mention his older brother's puketastic band, The Backstreet boys,
and BRITNEY SPEARS. I think 'NSync used to be on there too, but they defected
'cause JIVE just wasn't gay enough for their tastes.
He was also the perpetrator of one of the three Cardinal "Rap" sins, which I have taken the time kindly outline for you all.
#3) (to the tune of "Angel of the Morning") "Shorty you're my Angel, you're my darling... Angel. Closer than my peeps you are to me."
- Shaggy "Angel"
#2) "you wanna rumble with me? tumble with me? I float like a cloud, sting like jungle bee... .you can smoke, I don't smoke, but I drink the Pepsi juice, I'm dropping rhymes like Zues"
- SHAQ "Stand and Deliver"
#1) I know you're all expecting me to make fun of that god damned"BOOM! Shake
the Room!" song, and you're right, I'm going to, because it's a stupid fucking
song, and I'm really tired and cranky right now.
dance in the aisles when the prince steps to it
the rhyme is a football y'all and I went and threw it
out in the crowd and yo it was a good throw
how do I know? because the crowd went hoooo
in response to the way that I was kicking it
smooth and individual
rhymes always original
like the Dr. Jekyl man and this is my Hyde side
I am the driver and you're on a rap ride
so fellas (yeah)
are yall wit me (yeah)
I said fellas (yeah)
are yall wit me (yeah)
why don't you tell the girls what y'all wanna do
ya wanna ooh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh--ooooh
that's right yo and I'm in the flow
so pump up the volume along with the tempo
I want everybody in the house to know
I came here tonight to hear the crowd go
Boom! SHAKE! SHAKE! Shake the room! Boom!
BOOM! SHAKE! SHAKE! Shake the room! T-T-T-T-BOOM!"
- Will Smith "Boom! Shake The Room!"
It's obvious he's no Flava Flav. I'm sorry, but does ANYONE know what the sweet
jesus he's talking about? So far, I figure the rhyme is a football y'all, and
he went-and-threw-it. BOOM! But, after that, and the repeated "yo, are ya'll
ready for me yet? (pump it up prince)"'s that followed, I projectile vomited
pea soup onto my lap and spent the rest of the song ramming anything at hand into
my ears to just-stop-the -madness . . BOOM! I curse Columbia House and their evil
ways for tricking me into buying this CD for a penny when I was an impressionable
13 year old.
So in summation, with apologies for any and all "gettin' jiggy" jokes, I will
say that Will Smith is the Michael Flatley of Rap. He's "Lord of the Rap"... and
I mean that in a Gay, dancey way. If Will Smith ever wrote a book on "How to be
a rapper" it would be titled "I SUCK. PLEASE SHOOT ME."
WILL - The "Actor"
Will Smith's acting career, in a hundred words or less.
Independence Day: A stupid movie that everyone hated about
Aliens with the guy from Casper. Will said "YEAHHH" a lot, and pranced around
Will Smith's Television acting career, in a hundred words or less.
Men in Black: A stupid movie that I hated about Aliens with the guy from...
I don't know, but Tommy Lee Jones sucks too. Will said "YEAHHH" a lot.
Wild Wild West: A movie I didn't see with the guy from A Fish Called Wanda. I hate it. I'm sure "YEAHHH" was said a lot.
Bad Boys: A stupid movie that everybody hated, Martin Lawrence said "YEAHHH" a lot.
Made in America: Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson have an illegitimate
love-child in this movie... YEAHHH. Alright, that was a shitty joke. It was actually
104 words long(unless you count love-child as two, but, really who cares? No
one's reading this anyway), and I even forgot that "Enemy of the State" piece
of jiggy crap... BOOM!
This show is why, over even Britney Spearkababble, he deserves to die. why over
other media-crossing artists, like J-Lo, I have a personal hatred for him. I can't
justify it, I hate them all, I'm a petty man. But at least J-Lo didn't have a
85,433 year-running stupid-ass show about ass-knows-what that I was ass-forced
to watch, by my ass-fascist parents... ass. So, I take Will Smith's asstastic,
yet confusing, success, to bitter ass heart.
That is why I hate Will Smith, THAT is why he should be shot on sight. The only question I can't answer is why I felt the need to waste your time and mine to painstakingly "Jiggy" my through that mess, point-by-point. You can tell I have no life. Especially after the quality and quantity of my content this past while. The sun's coming up now, I'm going to bed.
I feel the need for one last joke here. The obvious would be to say "BOOM!1@11"
or relate to something in a jiggy manner, but my jokes aren't funny... and
really all I want to do is hear the crowd go "Boom!
SHAKE! SHAKE! Shake the room! Boom! T-T-T-T-BOOM!" Alright,
dumb joke, just be glad I didn't get jiggy with it... okay, I'm done I'm done,
I'm gonna go kill myself now. Gad, what have I become? Good night folks, remember,
there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand.
YEAHHH!! I crack me up...